Sunday, August 29, 2004
Want more courage - follow-up
When we decide to take a risk and fear shows up, we usually imagine the worst that can happen. A prospective client will reject you, you will look like a fool; a prospective friend will turn her back on you and you will be humiliated. You will apply for another job and will make a fool of yourself at the interview.
Imagine the risk you would like to take and imagine what could go wrong. However, do something different this time: stay with this awful feeling of rejection, humiliation, feeling like a fool. Keep on staying with the feeling, don't distract yourself. Try to stick with it for five, ten minutes. Then, imagine yourself after you have lived through this experience. Most people who do the experience find out that it's not as bad as they had imagined and THERE IS LIFE AFTER REJECTION OR HUMILIATION. You can survive it. That's the worst that can happen.
Practice staying with the feeling. Then just do it.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Imagine the risk you would like to take and imagine what could go wrong. However, do something different this time: stay with this awful feeling of rejection, humiliation, feeling like a fool. Keep on staying with the feeling, don't distract yourself. Try to stick with it for five, ten minutes. Then, imagine yourself after you have lived through this experience. Most people who do the experience find out that it's not as bad as they had imagined and THERE IS LIFE AFTER REJECTION OR HUMILIATION. You can survive it. That's the worst that can happen.
Practice staying with the feeling. Then just do it.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Friday, August 27, 2004
Want more courage?
Some great soul once said "Courage is not the absence of fear, it's acting despite of fear." Courage is a muscle. It needs to be exercised to get stronger. What have you been avoiding? Calling someone, changing job, learning a new sport, learning to dance? Or maybe you have been keeping yourself sooo busy as a perfect excuse why you don't need or want someone or something in your life? Be brave, you can do it. Take a small risk today, August 27th, 2004. Don't wait until tomorrow. You are not meant to crawl. You are meant to soar, like the eagle.
Coach's tip: Write down three things, persons, situations you have been avoiding.
Which would make the most difference in your life if you "dared"? Take a deep breath and just do it. You will be proud of yourself.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
P.S. To answer a question I often get: I specialize working with male executives and professionals AND I also coach professional women.
http://www.canadascoach.com
Coach's tip: Write down three things, persons, situations you have been avoiding.
Which would make the most difference in your life if you "dared"? Take a deep breath and just do it. You will be proud of yourself.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
P.S. To answer a question I often get: I specialize working with male executives and professionals AND I also coach professional women.
http://www.canadascoach.com
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Setting and getting your goals
Setting goals is fairly easy. The challenge is to get them, to reach them. Whether to cook a great dinner, go to a movie or make a move, we often get stuck at the gate. We often stay stuck in the "setting" mode. The why behind any goal has to be big enough to ease the challenge. Next time you set a goal, do it in writing, then also in writing, assess why you have chosen this goal? This relates to your values, not value in the moral sense, but value in "how important is this for me"? The deeper the value, the stronger your motivation will be. For example, losing weight to look good is not as deep as if you decide as part of your spiritual practice that your health is of the utmost importance and nutrition and exercise are part of this; or you want to grow healthy to see your grandchildren. This "why" step will help you move from the "setting a goal" to the "getting a goal".
Got a goal? Want support? email me (marguerite@canadascoach.com) to find out about enrolling in one of three levels of support for a six week coaching program using the goal getter kit.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Got a goal? Want support? email me (marguerite@canadascoach.com) to find out about enrolling in one of three levels of support for a six week coaching program using the goal getter kit.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Sunday, August 22, 2004
How is your health?
Nature vs nurture. Your genes do affect how healthy you are but equally important, if not more important, is the way you take care of your health. What you eat, how you exercise contribute to how long and how healthy you will live. Take the Real Age test on http://www.realage.com and see how you can grow younger.
Marguerite Tennier,
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Marguerite Tennier,
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Relationship Success stories - The power of coaching - suite
As promised, after a great three-day vacation at the lake, here is the other success story.
The prospective client had indicated on the prep form that relationships was the area she wanted to focus on if we were going to work together. When we got together on the phone, she shared that she and her husband had been married over 25 years. Over the last four years or so, they had parallel lives - without any emotional or physical intimacy. No fighting, but no talking either. She mentioned that divorce seemed the only solution. I questioned her and found that they had been very much in love at some point. She had truly loved him and felt he had also loved her very much. We spoke a little and I got the feeling that her husband was also pretty unhappy. I asked her if she was willing to be loving - to act lovingly with her husband that same evening when she got back from work. Being loving when people have not so much as touched for years can be difficult. A smile instead of a frown can be a start. She agreed that she was willing and chose to change one behaviour when she got the in the house that evening. This was a complimentary session but I asked her to let me know the next day what had happened. She did. She mentioned she had been scared - admitting that she is not comfortable with emotions - but she had followed through and MIRACLE, her husband responded. They actually spoke instead of growled at each other. She mentioned she woke up happy the next morning. I know that those two could use more coaching to revive their relationship further and I hope to have the chance to work with her at some point.
A similar story happened last summer - where after three months of coaching, a client who had scored between zero and one in terms of satisfaction about her marriage reported a seven, getting to an eight.
Marguerite Tennier, M.A.
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
The prospective client had indicated on the prep form that relationships was the area she wanted to focus on if we were going to work together. When we got together on the phone, she shared that she and her husband had been married over 25 years. Over the last four years or so, they had parallel lives - without any emotional or physical intimacy. No fighting, but no talking either. She mentioned that divorce seemed the only solution. I questioned her and found that they had been very much in love at some point. She had truly loved him and felt he had also loved her very much. We spoke a little and I got the feeling that her husband was also pretty unhappy. I asked her if she was willing to be loving - to act lovingly with her husband that same evening when she got back from work. Being loving when people have not so much as touched for years can be difficult. A smile instead of a frown can be a start. She agreed that she was willing and chose to change one behaviour when she got the in the house that evening. This was a complimentary session but I asked her to let me know the next day what had happened. She did. She mentioned she had been scared - admitting that she is not comfortable with emotions - but she had followed through and MIRACLE, her husband responded. They actually spoke instead of growled at each other. She mentioned she woke up happy the next morning. I know that those two could use more coaching to revive their relationship further and I hope to have the chance to work with her at some point.
A similar story happened last summer - where after three months of coaching, a client who had scored between zero and one in terms of satisfaction about her marriage reported a seven, getting to an eight.
Marguerite Tennier, M.A.
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Friday, August 13, 2004
Relationship Success stories - The power of coaching
I never stop to be amazed at the incredible impact I have on my clients' lives through coaching.
Before I accept someone as a new client, I like to have a trial coaching conversation to assess whether we are a good fit and I do this by coaching the person on the goal or issue at hand. I had a couple of such conversations late last week and both people emailed me to let me know what had happened as a result of our 30 minutes talk.
In the first situation, a man I will call Rex had indicated on the pre-call assessment form that relationships was the area he wanted to be coached on. Rex is a corporate executive with a very successful career and a busy social life. He told me he was interested in a woman friend and wanted to ask her out but felt she would not be interested because she was beautiful and popular. They had been friends for a while and usually met through activities where they both participated. Rex is a sensitive guy and he has had a number of heartbreaks. His confidence was pretty low.
I asked him whether he knew for sure she would reject him or whether he was making this up. He had to admit he did not know for sure. I then asked him what he was willing to do to stop waiting, wishing and hoping for things to change. I suggested he start with a small risk. He committed to making certain he sat next to her at their next gathering and to suggest doing an activity together.
Three days later, he sent me an email. He had taken the risk and the lady accepted. They have an informal date this week. He was amazed and thankful for that short coaching session. He knows that coaching can really help him increase his self-confidence to create the personal life he wants.
I will tell you about the second client on the next posting.
Have a great weekend
Marguerite Tennier, M.A.
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Before I accept someone as a new client, I like to have a trial coaching conversation to assess whether we are a good fit and I do this by coaching the person on the goal or issue at hand. I had a couple of such conversations late last week and both people emailed me to let me know what had happened as a result of our 30 minutes talk.
In the first situation, a man I will call Rex had indicated on the pre-call assessment form that relationships was the area he wanted to be coached on. Rex is a corporate executive with a very successful career and a busy social life. He told me he was interested in a woman friend and wanted to ask her out but felt she would not be interested because she was beautiful and popular. They had been friends for a while and usually met through activities where they both participated. Rex is a sensitive guy and he has had a number of heartbreaks. His confidence was pretty low.
I asked him whether he knew for sure she would reject him or whether he was making this up. He had to admit he did not know for sure. I then asked him what he was willing to do to stop waiting, wishing and hoping for things to change. I suggested he start with a small risk. He committed to making certain he sat next to her at their next gathering and to suggest doing an activity together.
Three days later, he sent me an email. He had taken the risk and the lady accepted. They have an informal date this week. He was amazed and thankful for that short coaching session. He knows that coaching can really help him increase his self-confidence to create the personal life he wants.
I will tell you about the second client on the next posting.
Have a great weekend
Marguerite Tennier, M.A.
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Monday, August 09, 2004
New Year resolutions
What am I saying? New Year resolutions in August? It's now over seven months since you made that resolution to exercise more, or to clean the attic, or to eat healthy, or maybe to write a book or look for another job and half the year is gone AND you have yet to do it. Maybe you did take a few steps early in January, then life took over. There is still time to do it.
Need support? Starting in September, I will offer a short-term "reach your goal" program - 6 weeks, workbook included and three levels of support: weekly email support, or one 30 minute session every month for the two months, or six 30 minute sessions throughout the program. For info email me: marguerite@canadascoach.com
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world
One Man at a time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Need support? Starting in September, I will offer a short-term "reach your goal" program - 6 weeks, workbook included and three levels of support: weekly email support, or one 30 minute session every month for the two months, or six 30 minute sessions throughout the program. For info email me: marguerite@canadascoach.com
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world
One Man at a time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Living from the heart
"I prefer the error of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom."
Anatole France
Marguerite Tennier,
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Anatole France
Marguerite Tennier,
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Thursday, August 05, 2004
It's lonely at the top, it's scary and it's dangerous - without support
The higher you move in an organization, the bigger the pay, usually! The higher the pay, the greater the expectation that money is all you need. Unless you are blessed to work in a progressive, people-centered corporation, you are most likely expected to hold it all together and never, never show any sign of "weakness" or humanness, except maybe anger. The higher you are on the totem pole, the less support you normally get. It's like being at the top of the climb and seeing there is nobody watching out for you.
If your organization is looking out for you, not just waiting for you to fail and fall from the top of the pole, you have been provided with support, either from a coach or a mentor. If not, you are most likely very stressed and yet you may just see it as part of the job. It's become normal for you to need a drink to unwind, or to be angry and frustrated with your children, or you have headaches, or maybe a feeling of low level anxiety most of the time. Maybe you don't sleep very well, or you are impatient on the road, in line, with your partner, your employees. The higher the stress you have, the less you live in the present. You spend a lot of time reviewing the past and thinking about what will happen. Stress is not only bad for your emotional/mental health. As much as it can kill your spirit, it can also kill you. Period. Heart attack, high blood pressure, etc.
If you recognize that this sounds and looks like your life, stop. Just stop and breathe. There's a good chance that if that's your situation now, you are repeating something that happened in your childhood: that you grew up with little support and you are still (trying) to prove "you can do it". Take some time to reflect on whether this is what you want. Are you willing to have the courage to ask for support? To change the way you view this "weakness"?
Life continues to be difficult until we learn the lesson.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
If your organization is looking out for you, not just waiting for you to fail and fall from the top of the pole, you have been provided with support, either from a coach or a mentor. If not, you are most likely very stressed and yet you may just see it as part of the job. It's become normal for you to need a drink to unwind, or to be angry and frustrated with your children, or you have headaches, or maybe a feeling of low level anxiety most of the time. Maybe you don't sleep very well, or you are impatient on the road, in line, with your partner, your employees. The higher the stress you have, the less you live in the present. You spend a lot of time reviewing the past and thinking about what will happen. Stress is not only bad for your emotional/mental health. As much as it can kill your spirit, it can also kill you. Period. Heart attack, high blood pressure, etc.
If you recognize that this sounds and looks like your life, stop. Just stop and breathe. There's a good chance that if that's your situation now, you are repeating something that happened in your childhood: that you grew up with little support and you are still (trying) to prove "you can do it". Take some time to reflect on whether this is what you want. Are you willing to have the courage to ask for support? To change the way you view this "weakness"?
Life continues to be difficult until we learn the lesson.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Monday, August 02, 2004
Book title
I love the Internet - two minutes later and I have found the title I was looking for. Book by Life Coach Debbie Ford:The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming your power, creativity, brilliance and dreams.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
Feelings, emotions and all that wonderful mushy stuff
6:13 a.m. Eastern I was up before the birds this morning and I read my Joke of the day by Rex Barker (RexBarker@humornetwork.com) Everyone has feelings and emotions and all that mushy stuff and Rex, the wonderful person hidden behind Joke of the day had a short essay on feelings and how as a child he was called "too sensitive".
All children are sensitive. When you express feelings as a child and that feeling is not validated, or worse, you are made to feel "bad" for having it, what happens is the child unconsciously removes it. "It" then becomes an unacceptable part of who the child is. "It" then hides in "the shadow", the part of us which holds all that we don't accept about ourselves. This shadow shows itself in funny ways. Because we are not conscious of it, we see it in others or it is the part of us that come out when we have had too much to drink. I have heard clients say how they get angry when they have had too much to drink and yet when they are sober, they absolutely cannot show or even feel their anger. I have seen people dare show their vulnerable, loving self after drinking and yet, sober, they are cold and distant. You can also recognize your shadow by being aware of the qualities/traits that you just can't stand in others: lazyness, goody-goody, anger, assertiveness, sloppiness, vulgarity, selfishness, etc.
We all have all of those traits - and I hear you defend yourself that you are NEVER lazy, or vulgar, or... Sorry, the more you defend yourself that you are perfect, the more it shows that you are rejecting part(s) of yourself and as long as you do, you will continue to be divided against yourself. And as long as you are divided against yourself, you are not loving yourself unconditionally and as long as you do this, (those of you who know me problably know where I am going) you will not be able to love someone else unconditionally (hey, why would you give it to someone else if you can't give it to yourself? and you will not be able to accept that someone love you unconditionally, because a) you will feel inferior or b) you will think they are crazy for loving you.
Coaching tip: write down three feelings, emotions or behaviours (being affectionate, expressing anger, asking for help, support, being sensitive, talking about your feelings or anything that truly mattered to you, etc.) that were not acceptable of you as a child. This may have been overt or often more subtle. Your parents may never have told you not to show your feelings, but your dad never kissed you or hugged you or told you he loved you. If you are a man, maybe you have problem expressing yourself. Or maybe you told yourself you would never be like that and you feel you "must" express yourself and you let your feelings dictate your life. Or your mom never got angry. Depressed yes, but angry, never. So as a woman, you never get angry, or when you do you need a drink or you direct it against yourself. Maybe as a vulnerable child, a parent told you he/she loved you AND at the same time violated you sexually. Now, you hide your vulnerable, loving self behind a wall and you recoil if someone expresses real love because for you the two are blurred and your mind goes on "automatic" when you hear one or the other. Work with a coach to start makiing different choices. If you identify trauma, work with a therapist. You deserve to be complete - not perfect, just complete.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
P.S. I will find the title and author of a good book on "The Shadow" and let you know later today or this week. Here in Ottawa, Canada, Jean Monbourquette of St.Paul University has written and offers workshops on the shadow. For info, call St. Paul University.
All children are sensitive. When you express feelings as a child and that feeling is not validated, or worse, you are made to feel "bad" for having it, what happens is the child unconsciously removes it. "It" then becomes an unacceptable part of who the child is. "It" then hides in "the shadow", the part of us which holds all that we don't accept about ourselves. This shadow shows itself in funny ways. Because we are not conscious of it, we see it in others or it is the part of us that come out when we have had too much to drink. I have heard clients say how they get angry when they have had too much to drink and yet when they are sober, they absolutely cannot show or even feel their anger. I have seen people dare show their vulnerable, loving self after drinking and yet, sober, they are cold and distant. You can also recognize your shadow by being aware of the qualities/traits that you just can't stand in others: lazyness, goody-goody, anger, assertiveness, sloppiness, vulgarity, selfishness, etc.
We all have all of those traits - and I hear you defend yourself that you are NEVER lazy, or vulgar, or... Sorry, the more you defend yourself that you are perfect, the more it shows that you are rejecting part(s) of yourself and as long as you do, you will continue to be divided against yourself. And as long as you are divided against yourself, you are not loving yourself unconditionally and as long as you do this, (those of you who know me problably know where I am going) you will not be able to love someone else unconditionally (hey, why would you give it to someone else if you can't give it to yourself? and you will not be able to accept that someone love you unconditionally, because a) you will feel inferior or b) you will think they are crazy for loving you.
Coaching tip: write down three feelings, emotions or behaviours (being affectionate, expressing anger, asking for help, support, being sensitive, talking about your feelings or anything that truly mattered to you, etc.) that were not acceptable of you as a child. This may have been overt or often more subtle. Your parents may never have told you not to show your feelings, but your dad never kissed you or hugged you or told you he loved you. If you are a man, maybe you have problem expressing yourself. Or maybe you told yourself you would never be like that and you feel you "must" express yourself and you let your feelings dictate your life. Or your mom never got angry. Depressed yes, but angry, never. So as a woman, you never get angry, or when you do you need a drink or you direct it against yourself. Maybe as a vulnerable child, a parent told you he/she loved you AND at the same time violated you sexually. Now, you hide your vulnerable, loving self behind a wall and you recoil if someone expresses real love because for you the two are blurred and your mind goes on "automatic" when you hear one or the other. Work with a coach to start makiing different choices. If you identify trauma, work with a therapist. You deserve to be complete - not perfect, just complete.
Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com
P.S. I will find the title and author of a good book on "The Shadow" and let you know later today or this week. Here in Ottawa, Canada, Jean Monbourquette of St.Paul University has written and offers workshops on the shadow. For info, call St. Paul University.
