Monday, August 02, 2004

 

Feelings, emotions and all that wonderful mushy stuff

6:13 a.m. Eastern I was up before the birds this morning and I read my Joke of the day by Rex Barker (RexBarker@humornetwork.com) Everyone has feelings and emotions and all that mushy stuff and Rex, the wonderful person hidden behind Joke of the day had a short essay on feelings and how as a child he was called "too sensitive".
All children are sensitive. When you express feelings as a child and that feeling is not validated, or worse, you are made to feel "bad" for having it, what happens is the child unconsciously removes it. "It" then becomes an unacceptable part of who the child is. "It" then hides in "the shadow", the part of us which holds all that we don't accept about ourselves. This shadow shows itself in funny ways. Because we are not conscious of it, we see it in others or it is the part of us that come out when we have had too much to drink. I have heard clients say how they get angry when they have had too much to drink and yet when they are sober, they absolutely cannot show or even feel their anger. I have seen people dare show their vulnerable, loving self after drinking and yet, sober, they are cold and distant. You can also recognize your shadow by being aware of the qualities/traits that you just can't stand in others: lazyness, goody-goody, anger, assertiveness, sloppiness, vulgarity, selfishness, etc.
We all have all of those traits - and I hear you defend yourself that you are NEVER lazy, or vulgar, or... Sorry, the more you defend yourself that you are perfect, the more it shows that you are rejecting part(s) of yourself and as long as you do, you will continue to be divided against yourself. And as long as you are divided against yourself, you are not loving yourself unconditionally and as long as you do this, (those of you who know me problably know where I am going) you will not be able to love someone else unconditionally (hey, why would you give it to someone else if you can't give it to yourself? and you will not be able to accept that someone love you unconditionally, because a) you will feel inferior or b) you will think they are crazy for loving you.
Coaching tip: write down three feelings, emotions or behaviours (being affectionate, expressing anger, asking for help, support, being sensitive, talking about your feelings or anything that truly mattered to you, etc.) that were not acceptable of you as a child. This may have been overt or often more subtle. Your parents may never have told you not to show your feelings, but your dad never kissed you or hugged you or told you he loved you. If you are a man, maybe you have problem expressing yourself. Or maybe you told yourself you would never be like that and you feel you "must" express yourself and you let your feelings dictate your life. Or your mom never got angry. Depressed yes, but angry, never. So as a woman, you never get angry, or when you do you need a drink or you direct it against yourself. Maybe as a vulnerable child, a parent told you he/she loved you AND at the same time violated you sexually. Now, you hide your vulnerable, loving self behind a wall and you recoil if someone expresses real love because for you the two are blurred and your mind goes on "automatic" when you hear one or the other. Work with a coach to start makiing different choices. If you identify trauma, work with a therapist. You deserve to be complete - not perfect, just complete.

Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com

P.S. I will find the title and author of a good book on "The Shadow" and let you know later today or this week. Here in Ottawa, Canada, Jean Monbourquette of St.Paul University has written and offers workshops on the shadow. For info, call St. Paul University.

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