Ottawa Women's Coach

"The evaluation of a new relationship needs to happen in its own rhythm and time."
Raphael Cushnir, Setting your Heart on Fire.


Marguerite Tennier, M.A.,
The coach who wants to change the world
One man at a Time

http://www.canadascoach.com

Nowhere is it more important to be emotionally intelligent than when in the midst of divorce. It's a time when both parties are often emotionally raw. Whether you are the initiator and feel you have endured a lot or whether you are the one being left and feel betrayed, now is not the time to believe that "offense is the best defense."

Think of it. What you do instinctively do when attacked? You attack back. Whether the blow was verbal or physical, we normally want to protect ourselves and we attack with even more ferocity.

The first domain of EI as defined by Goleman, is self-awareness, which includes being able to recognize our own emotions. The reason people in a divorce situation often attack first is that they either fail to recognize they have a lot of fear and/or they don't think they have any other way to get a fair treatment.

If you are in the throes of a divorce and your partner has attacked, stop and breathe. Instead of counter-attacking and letting fear drive the proceedings (and the cost), brainstorm and try to come up with other solutions. These skills comprise self-management, the second domain of EI. The first competency of self-management is Emotional self-control: keeping disruptive emotions and impulses under control.

An important tip to succeed: Avoid buying into well meaning friends and family's counsels who often fan the flames by encouraging divorcing partners to do anything to get back at the other.

NOTE: Remember: Free coaching next Friday, October 29, from 9:00 a.m. to noon. One spot left.

Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time
http://www.canadascoach.com

I finally did it: I gave my first official speech at Toastmasters. For someone who has avoided joining Toastmasters for a great number of years, this was quite an achievement. I realized that this six minutes and four seconds speech on October 4th, 2004 was in a lot of ways a greater achievement than even my Master's degree. Then right after, I wondered, what had kept me from doing it for so long. Fear's function is to protect you from a dreaded consequence. Most of the time, as adults fear is False Evidence Appearing Real, because the present situation or person IS NOT like the past one. There may be similarities: for example, if a loved one has abused you in the past, you may equate love and pain. You leave out the actual people involved. You see one element that is similar and you judge the whole experience. Fear has nothing to do with our level of intelligence. Fear is a visceral experience that can paralyze you. It's important not to judge someone else's fears and it is equally important not to beat yourself up for the fears that keep you stuck. Maybe you work in sales and the thought of making "cold calls" brings terror. Maybe you need support from a mate, a friend or a colleague but you don't ask. Maybe you want to re-connect with someone you care about and you dial the number and then hang up. However fear shows up in your life, first acknowledge your fear. Be a good parent to yourself. This step is very important, even if your fear is not the result of a traumatic event and it is very, very important if you have experienced trauma in the past. Be gentle with yourself. When we are in fear, we revert to being very little and we need to remind ourselves that we are good and deserve good. Only when you first acknowledge your fear can you challenge it. Remember the good that can result from moving beyond your fear: your product or service can make a huge difference in your clients' life, not to mention your own career; your friend may have been hoping and waiting for your call all that time and you can be re-assured that she truly cares. In my situation with public speaking, being more comfortable speaking in front of groups can allow me to reach more people and help change more lives and the boost in my self-confidence was enormous. It is by doing what we dread that we grow. Don't be reckless. Just Fearless.

Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time

http://www.canadascoach.com

A couple of hours after I wrote the last post, I got a call from my friend and colleague Kim Martin who lives in Canmore, Alberta. Kim is celebrating her fifth wedding anniversary this week and she shared that as part of the celebration, she and her husband privately renew their wedding vows. What a wonderful way to re-connect at a deep emotional level and strengthen the bond between two people.
Happy Anniversary Kim

Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time

P.S. Still one spot left for the free coaching day, October 29th, morning.
Want to make one change in your life? Enquire about the "One goal, six weeks" program.

http://www.canadascoach.com

"The success of a relationship depends not on how much people love each other, but on the quality of the relationship they have with each other." Author unknown
Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking book: Emotional Intelligence, Why it can matter more than IQ, states that for a couple marrying in 1990, the likelihood that the marriage will end in divorce is an unbelieveable 67%. Goleman links the high rate of divorce on a deficit in emotional intelligence in one or both partners.
How can you increase the quality of your primary relationship or any relationship for that matter? Simple. Simple but not easy if we are deficient in EI. Listening well and showing that we are listening is one way. Listening as carefully as we listen on a first date with someone we really like. Listening the way you listen to your best friend. (Maybe why couples who report that their mate is their best friend have a lower rate of divorce). "Being all ears". Trouble is apparent in a relationship when one partner starts feeling that "the TV, the game, the car, the work is more important than me". If your partner is saying that and you want to avoid divorce or a miserable marriage (and an unhealthy heart), you need to learn to stop and show that you care by listening. Showing that you care for the feelings of another indicates empathy which is one of the top qualities that make up EI.

Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time

http://www.canadascoach.com

I can't imagine what I would be doing right now if I had not taken the risks I did ten, twenty years ago. I just can't imagine how I would be if I had settled for the boring government job I was growing to hate. I can't imagine how I would be if I had chosen security over life and learning. I can't imagine who I would be if I had not dared to dream that there was something more. If I had not belived in my possibilities.
I was interviewed recently for an article on coaching that will appear in the Ottawa Sun early in November. The journalist sent a photographer and there I was this morning, in a picture where I look like I am on top of the world. When I saw it, I actually felt that WOW! Just like in the commercial, I felt like saying, "you've come a long way, baby." Security is nice but nothing beats the natural high of spreading your own wings and flying where you never thought you could. Beating fear and finding freedom much higher than I ever imagined.

Marguerite Tennier,
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time

http://www.canadascoach.com

I know, I don't believe in astrology either - at least not the "one size fits all" kind, but it's fun and adding fun to our life is, well, fun. Get a good cup of coffee and go read your horoscope for this week.
Enjoy
http://www.freewillastrology.com

Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world
One Man at a Time

http://www.canadascoach.com

I just finished watching the Oprah Show. Today, Oprah's guests were women who had been molested in childhood, either by their father or father in law. If you are aware of any child being molested, speak up. Don't let it happen. Call the authorities. If you are someone who has been molested as a child, you are not at fault and there is help available. Reach out. Through my work as a therapist, I have seen the devastation sexual abuse causes. Become vocal when you hear of the "slap on the hand" that some molesters get as a sentence. The world is complacent. Get involved with organizations that fight to protect the children.

Thank you

Marguerite Tennier

http://www.canadascoach.com

How often do you stop to smell the roses, or the coffee? One way to practice self-care is to fill your life with scents, sounds and scenes that make you say "Ah!". Brighten your living space with fresh flowers; play music that you love and allow your body to move to the sound; sing in the shower; use the good dishes everyday. Invest in soap that smells good. Wear perfume or lotion that you love, everyday. Keep everflowering plants in your house (I have 4 hibiscus that bloom 12 months of the year). Have a massage regularly. In the fall, keep a nice soft throw on your couch, especially if you have leather furniture! Cook your favorite recipe just for yourself, on a week night. Eat by candlelight. Take time for a nice, long bath, instead of a quick shower. Have a healthy sensuality. Being sensual is a way to nourish your soul. And yes, guys, this is for you also.

Marguerite Tennier
The coach who wants to change the world,
One Man at a Time

http://www.canadascoach.com


P.S. There are two spots left for the free coaching on October, 29th.
and remember to check out Chatelaine, October 2004 and January 2005 which feature some of my tips. Chatelaine October, page 80